I binge-watched Feel Good (season 1) in a day, unable to stop myself despite all the confusion and discomfort I felt while watching. Now, don’t get me wrong, the show was great. I loved the raw, honest insights into the character’s lives. I appreciated how the show did not shy away from talking about addiction, sobriety and everything in between. And I especially liked the conversation it brought up about sexuality and gender.
Mae and George’s relationship brought up so many of the questions I have been struggling with for the past 6 years. At 22, I have finally embraced my sexuality as queer, but there is still so much I don’t know about myself. I don’t know if being a cis woman who is not straight means I am bisexual or pansexual or whatever other label there is. Literally the only thing I know is that I am attracted to guys, but I may have also been attracted to a couple of women over the past few years. However, my confusion with and fear of this attraction towards women stopped me from ever exploring it. I have never dated, kissed or even hugged any woman I had a crush on. On a daily basis, I even question whether I actually had a crush on them or if I simply idolized certain things about them.
Mae’s confusion about George’s sexuality and the future of their relationship is exactly what I have been worrying about but never had the words to express. Sometimes I think that even having these questions is probably a sign that I’m not straight. But then, I don’t know if I would want to date a woman for fear of not actually being attracted to her. I don’t know if I would only date one or two women if I had the chance. I don’t know if I would only date butch women. I don’t know if gender would actually matter if I were in a relationship with anyone other than a cis man. I don’t know if that means I am not bisexual or just “bicurious”. I literally have no idea what any of this means. And considering that I’m in a healthy, exclusive relationship, I don’t know if I will ever get a chance to explore this.
But watching this show, watching the confusion and conflict that George and Mae experience because of similar questions is honestly the only thing that has made me feel better about this. Not knowing things about your own self is terrifying, but knowing that you’re not the only one who has these questions is somewhat comforting. Also knowing that relationships can happen despite this confusion, and your partner could even be the person to help you figure it out (not without some conflict obviously), as a catalyst or a support system, gives me hope. I might never figure out what label I identify with, but knowing that people like Mae and George exist helps me feel more at ease with myself.
[I wrote this a couple of years ago. While I now know more about my identity, the confusion still exists. One thing I have begun to understand is that I may never know what label I fall under, but maybe I don’t have to for me to feel comfortable with myself.]
