I’m never going to be able to avoid pain.
Now that I have stated the painful truth, let me explain why I felt the need to.
I began paying attention to my mental health about 10 years ago. It was the first time I was introduced to the concept and I was a keen learner. At that age (early teens), I felt that I knew nothing. So, most of what I did to try and understand myself and work towards the person I wanted to be seemed useless. It honestly felt like any changes in me were not because of my own efforts.
Then, over the years I began to see how I was helping myself. How I started shaping my perspective. How I was understanding my emotions and responses. I could tell that the time I spent introspecting and reflecting had some impact, but it still felt like nothing to write home about.
Fast forward to my late teens and early twenties, I began to feel proud of the progress I had made. I could see that some aspects of my life were clearly influenced by the effort I had put in. I had achieved my goal and become the person my teen self had dreamed of. That should have been it right? Now that I had achieved it, I should have felt content right?
Of course not. The time and energy I had invested paid off, but not at all in the way I expected to. The whole time I had been working on myself, I had expected that when I became the person I wanted to be, I would never be in pain again. Rationally, of course this is an impossible goal and my expectations were unrealistic. But, a teenager is not a fully rational being, and honestly, neither is an adult. I am not completely rational and never will be. What I am is scared.
I spent so much of my life working towards someone I could be proud of, but a huge motivator for that was fear. It looked different at every stage — fear of being disliked, fear of never finding a partner, fear of being a professional failure. The list was (and is) never-ending. I was so afraid that I did everything I could to not put myself in that position. It also happened to make me achieve my goals (lucky me!).
Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the concept of working on yourself. Self-care and self-development were interesting goals for me and kept me focused for most of my life. But that didn’t stop my deepest fear from coming true. I had been under the impression that if I worked hard enough on myself, if I behaved maturely, acted rationally, was kind and compassionate to both myself and others, I would never have to feel pain again. That one day pain would no longer exist in my life.
While I don’t regret anything, and feel grateful, hopeful and all the other “positive” emotions, I wish I had realized this sooner. I wish I realized that pain was a constant in my life. It was not only possible, but guaranteed. That no matter how prepared, optimistic, and courageous I could be, it would always surprise, confuse and hurt me. That even if I perfected my approach to managing my pain, I would never be able to reduce the intensity, or frequency of it.
I am always going to have to deal with pain. I am always going to be surprised by it and hurt by it. There’s nothing I can do to make it stop happening. But. I will also always have a choice in how I deal with it. I will always have the option to not make things worse. I will always have the ability to take care of myself through it.
So, it’s time for me to adjust my definition of a well-adjusted person. A well-adjusted person knows that pain is not avoidable, but that how they handle it is in their hands. A well-adjusted person knows that no amount of hard work they put in will ever stop them from experiencing pain, but also recognizes that not putting in any work could make the pain feel worse. And finally, a well-adjusted person can do everything right and still cause or be hurt, and that is nobody’s fault, including their own.
