Hi, I’m Prerna and I’m afraid.
The most defining aspect of me is my fear, which, once again, I am terrified to speak about. The most I can gather up the courage to talk about is any situation-specific fear. But what feels like a deep, dark secret is how afraid I am.
I am filled to the brim with fear, and it is possible because I fear a variety of things. I’m not talking about only phobias or fears of tangible things, I am terrified of everything. I’m scared of failing, or succeeding and feeling like a fraud, or being average and never living up to my “potential”. I’m scared of being weak, or so strong that nothing affects me anymore, or neither. I’m terrified of growing and being complacent or stagnating my growth. I’m terrified of other people’s opinions or of not caring about other people’s opinions enough. I’m scared of being financially independent or dependent. I’m scared of listing more items and of having listed too many already. I Am Scared.
And the worst part is, I don’t know how to make this better. I have no idea how to stop being scared. I don’t know how to use the fear to motivate me. I don’t know whether it’s okay to be scared or not. I don’t know how much fear is acceptable. I don’t know any of these things.
I’m scared and I don’t know how to fix it.
Yet the most ridiculous, confusing and contradictory thing about this is, I’m done caring. I don’t know the solution and I’m tired of looking for it. While my fear may have often gotten in the way, it hasn’t stopped me from achieving things. It hasn’t stopped me from feeling a multitude of other emotions. It hasn’t stopped me from doing and being who I want to be. And most of all, it hasn’t stopped me from existing, living and even thriving.
I am still terrified and have a feeling that I always will be. Maybe that’s a part of who I am or what it means to be human, or not. I don’t know the answers, I just know what I’m going through. So, I’m afraid and I don’t know how to change that, but maybe I can’t be bothered to anymore.
